Diamonds and Pig Snouts
by LynstHolin
Summary: DRAMIONE Draco finds himself hiding in a cloakroom to get away from Pansy, his fiancee. Hermione needs to get away from her date, Cormac McLaggen.


_What was I thinking_? Draco asked himself. _Why did I ask Pansy to marry me_? _Why didn't I grow a backbone and break it off with her years ago_? _Exactly how stupid do I look, cowering in a cloakroom_? Someone opened the door and shoved in a moth-eaten mink coat. Bits of fur flew off it and landed on Draco's face. "Pthbth!" Little hairs in his mouth. Yuck.

In the weeks since she'd maneuvered Draco into asking her to marry him, Pansy had been even more over-bearing than usual. For one, she insisted that he wear a Muggle-style tuxedo to the Ministry's Christmas party. His father had nearly burst a vein; Lucius regarded trousers as being too barbaric for a Malfoy. Pansy had also insisted on taking him to a beauty salon earlier today, where he'd received a facial (even though his skin was already perfect), a manicure (even though his house elf filed and buffed his nails daily), and, insult of insults, plucked and waxed. His chest still burned from having his hair ripped out, and his reduced eyebrows gave him a perpetually quizzical expression.

The infernal female had insinuated herself into his life during their first year at Hogwarts. Around third year, she decided to be his girlfriend, and that was that. He'd had no choice in the matter. Any other girl that showed any interest in him was likely to end up in the hospital wing for a while. There'd been the pretty Ravenclaw who had come down with a nasty case of festering boils, and the the_ tres belle _mademoisellefrom Beauxbatons who'd grown a rat's tail. And the cute, perky little Hufflepuff he'd flirted with during fifth year... that still gave him nightmares. She was fine now, but Draco sent her an anonymous gift every Christmas out of guilt.

Leaving Hogwarts hadn't provided an escape. His parents considered her a good catch, and they had encouraged her visits to Malfoy Manor. Two weeks ago, she'd been having dinner with the Malfoys when the topic of engagements rings had _just happened_ to come up. Narcissa had a house elf bring her grandmother's diamond ring down for Pansy to see, and then, BOOM. Somehow, he'd been tricked into proposing. Try as he might, he couldn't clearly recall how it had happened; it was all a blur.

Tonight, Pansy was swanning around the Ministry Atrium in a Dolce and Gabbana gown, thrusting her ring in everyones' faces. If he had to hear her say the phrase 'my fiance' one more time, he was going to slit his own throat. It was as if he wasn't a person now. He was just a trophy to be polished and shown off. She didn't even bother talking to him any more. She just led him from person to person, telling the same story of his proposal (which, he was sure, was completely fictional), and when the wedding would be, and what the wedding theme was going to be, and how many children they were going to have, and what their names would be (Kensington, Mehitabel, and Mathison) , and what pets they would have...

After two hours of this, Draco had felt like he couldn't breathe. Tossing back several glasses of champagne did nothing to help. He'd started to loosen his bow-tie, and Pansy had slapped his fingers away. "You can't go tie-less in a tux!" At which point he had fled and hidden in the cloakroom, where he'd shredded the tie in his panicked hurry to get it off. He'd pulled the front of his stiff-front shirt open, his onyx-inlaid studs popping out and rolling away. After a few moments of gasping, his heart had stopped pounding and the panicky feeling had gone away.

The door opened, and a body hurtled against him. "_Merlin_! Who's that?" The tip of a wand glowed, and Draco found himself looking into the face of Hermione Granger. She'd done that thing to her hair that made it all smooth, and it was up in an elegant chignon. A couple of diamond hair clips sparkled in the wand-light. She smiled. "Don't tell me you're hiding from your wife-to-be," she said wryly.

Draco couldn't help noticing that the Muggle-born really was quite lovely. "I'm afraid so."

Hermione laughed. Unlike Pansy's cackle, it was a sweet sound. "I remember seeing you run into the mens' toilet to avoid her at the Three Broomsticks back during third year."

"Really? You remember that?" Draco was surprised, and rather pleased. And surprised that he was pleased.

"I couldn't forget! It was so funny. You have no idea how much we Gryffindors made fun of you behind your back because of that. George and Fred actually made it into a skit." Hermione couldn't stop giggling.

"So, why are _you_ in here?"

The giggles turned into a groan. "Cormac McLaggen. I thought he'd have grown up a bit by now, but he's still the arrogant, spoiled, entitled brat that he's always been. And his hands... He's had them in places I didn't even know I had." She tipped up a champagne flute and drank all the bubbly down in one gulp. "I'm through with good-looking rich men." She squinted at Draco. "What's wrong with your eyebrows?"

"If you think that's bad, look at this." He pulled his shirt open. Hermione moved her wand-light to his chest, where the skin was red and raw.

"What the...?"

"Pansy doesn't believe in body hair."

"You should have put some dittany on that."

"Pansy insisted there was no time."

"Cormac waxes. He offered to show me. Maybe we could get him together with Parkinson, and you and I could be free for the rest of the evening."

"Free to do what?" Draco said, arching an eyebrow. He did so love to flirt. Too bad that it usually ended up with his flirtee being hexed.

"I said no more good-looking rich men, remember?" Hermione said teasingly. She touched her wand to her glass, and it refilled.

They were so close together in the crowded confines of the cloakroom. Watching Hermione lick a drop of champagne off the lip of her glass made him feel a bit breathless, but not in a panic attack sort of way. Suddenly, Draco felt a sharp tug in his guts. _Bloody hell_. He'd forgotten that Pansy'd just learned a very powerful summoning spell. His whole body jerked forward. Hermione squeaked as he mashed her against the door. The door popped open, and they fell out onto the floor, Draco on top of Hermione with his shirt all undone.

That horrible tea-kettle shriek was Pansy. She pointed her wand, there was a flash and a bang, and Draco and Hermione gawked at each other's pig snouts. "_This_ is why I say we shouldn't allow wands at Ministry parties," Shacklebolt said irritatedly to the head of Ministry Security as two guards hustled Pansy away.

Draco looked down at Hermione. She felt very nice beneath him, and, even with the pig snout, she was still pretty. "I believe the wedding is off now."

"You don't seem too broken up about it." Her brown eyes were filled with humor.

Tilting his head a bit to accommodate their snouts, Draco kissed her. Her lips parted underneath his, and her hands crept up his back. He was now with the most beautiful woman at the Ministry Christmas party, snout and all.


End file.
